Eugenics is the science of improving a species, like the human race, by the careful selection of parents

Eugenics is the science of improving a species, like the human race, by the careful selection of parents. Adolf Hitler, who needs no introduction, and Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood, were big believers in eugenics. Hitler’s method of achieving the master race was to murder millions of Jews, Christians and homosexuals in gas chambers. Sanger took the opposite approach. Instead of killing people she considered a threat to the survival of the fittest; she instead sought to prevent their birth in the first place! In part, she sought to accomplish her goal by locating her birth control clinics in inner cities so as to target minority populations. As for me, I plan to leave my mark on society as the founder of Planned Pet Parenthood.

 

Have you heard about the bill in Sacramento that will force all pets to be neutered and spayed? All pets, that is, unless they are purebred show dogs currently competing, or working dogs, and being bred by a licensed breeder? The bill has a good chance of being signed into law. If it does, people who have mutts, or retired show dogs, will be forced to have their animal fixed, or face huge civil penalties of $500 per pet. The County Board of Supervisors is considering endorsing the legislation at their July 17 meeting.

 

There is a serious chance that some pet owners will delay getting their pets fixed and end up with an illicit and illegal litter of illegitimate puppies or kittens. I figure my organization, Planned Pet Parenthood, can offer doggie and kitty abortions for less than the cost of the civil fine associated with the “spay and neuter” law. I will get rich and help society at the same time. The horrendous alternative to Planned Pet Parenthood would be back-alley alley cat and doggie abortions and we certainly can’t have that!

 

Currently, the County of Santa Barbara has begun pet raids in neighborhoods throughout the Santa Ynez and Lompoc Valleys. Ostensibly, they are looking for animals that are not currently registered. In reality, I think they are simply practicing and honing their search, seize and destroy capabilities as they gear up for the day they can eliminate mutts for good. 

 

I am sure some right wing nut-cases are going to object to government intruding into their personal pet’s sex lives. They are going to demand that government get out of their backyard pet bedrooms. They fear the day their pets will be relegated to the closet in order to escape the eugenic pet Nazis. If that happens, being the opportunistic entrepreneur that I am, I will probably start a second organization to defend these people.  I will call it the Rainbow Pet Coalition. The organization will defend the rights of pets that were borne different from purebreds. It will be our goal to extend all the rights afforded to purebreds to all animals without distinction to genetic heritage. The Rainbow Pet Coalition will celebrate diversity and advocate equal sexual rights for all.

 

The only problem with my plan is something the brain-trust in Sacramento has not come to terms with. That is, it is pretty tough to purchase a purebred dog for less than $500. In view of the fact there will not be enough purebred litters to go around to satisfy every wannabe pet owner, coupled with the fact mutts tend to be healthier and have better dispositions than some purebreds, the new law may actually encourage the creation of puppy mills to satisfy the supply and demand pet curve in our state. In other words, it may be cheaper to keep your mutt’s breeding capability in tact, and pay the $500 fine.  Mutts could thus become a commodity, especially to the poor. In that case, I will renounce pet eugenics as being racist and start my own puppy mill franchise- Mutts R Us!

 

Andy Caldwell is the Executive Director of COLAB and a 39 year resident of the Central Coast. Contact information can be found at the COLAB website at www.colabsbc.org.